Santino the Chimp

His name is Santino and he lives at the Swedish Furuvik Zoo.  Santino likes throwing things at the zoo visitors that gawk at him everyday, and his keepers do eveything they can to stop the violent behavior.  But recently, the zoo staff discovered stockpiles of ammunition (mostly rocks) all over Santino’s enclosure, as if he were preparing for battle.  The discovery has excited researchers studying animal intelligence since it suggests premeditation and forward thinking on Santino’s part, activities that require high intelligence and that are hard to prove in our animal neighbors.  But if Santino has planned this little rebellion in his cage, what could other animals we’ve angered or annoyed be planning?  If these disgruntled creatures need a leader, they might look to Santino.  The idea frightens organization like Homo Sapiens Against Animal Intelligence, which was created by its founder Jerry Bombadil in large part because of his concerns of the Planet of the Apes becoming a reality.

Read more about Santino here and here.

What do you think?  Could Santino be the face of the chimp apocalypse?

Check out our Chimp Apocalypse shirts and gear at The Loki Store.

Monkey Apocalypse Shirt by LokiMan

Santino & The Chimp Apocalypse by LokiMan

“They want you to think they are helping us,” Bombadil stated emphatically. “They want you to think they are doing their domestic duty by preventing osteoporosis, and helping small children grow strong bones. But they’re not! They can’t lie to us anymore! We have found out their true purpose.”

Bombadil spoke at a press conference he quickly organized after the British Society for General Microbiology released findings that one of the leading causes of global warming was the methane gas produced in cow flatulence.

According to the EPA, an estimated 28 percent of all methane emissions related to human activity come from methane-producing bacteria in the rumens of domestic cattle, sheep and goats and other livestock known as ruminants, which eat plants that are mostly indigestible by other creatures.

“All this time, [the cows] have been planning, banding together, and farting for who knows how long,” says Bombadil. “We don’t know how long this is been going on. But, my friends, there may be hope on the horizon.”

According to a new study, fish oil could be the cow fart kryptonite. Feeding cattle a diet of 2 percent fish oil reduced the toots, due to the omega 3 fatty acids in the oil. The technique cut methane output of three cows by 21 percent, said Lorraine Lillis of the University College Dublin.

“The fish oil affects the methane-producing bacteria in the rumen part of the cow’s gut, leading to reduced emissions,” Lillis said. “Understanding which microbial species are particularly influenced by changes in diet and relating them to methane production could bring about a more targeted approach to reducing methane emissions in animals.”

Asked about the overall potential benefits fish-oil, Lillis told LiveScience she didn’t know yet what effect it might have on a larger group of cattle.

Bombadil says his organization HSAAI is in the process of planning a cookie drive to defray the costs of supplying fish oil to the cattle.

“The girlscouts have done it for years,” says Bombadil. “ We applaud them. But now a graver task is at hand.”

Stop The Cow Fart Conspiracy! 2 by LokiMan

Cure Cow Farts, Cure Global Warming by LokiMan

As many of you know, we’ve been covering intelligent monkey news at The Loki Times ever since we launched our website.  In fact, we kicked off our website with this post about Cyborg Monkeys.  The subject fascinates our researchers and writers, but terrifies Jerry Bombadil, founder of the extremist group Homo Sapiens Against Animal Intelligence.

HSAAI T-Shirt #2 by LokiMan

Bombadil fears a Planet of the Apes scenario more than anything.  This new data about internal monkey GPS systems has shaked him to the core.  The following is Bombadil’s response to inquiries from our news team: “Monkey GPS?!?!  That’s just great, freakin’ wonderful.  Son of a bitch!” *click*

Jerry later called back to apologize, saying “We were worried about the government being able to track our every move, but now we should worry about these monkeys.  They can find you…anywhere.”

Let us know what you think.  Monkey GPS: Impressive, or Terrifying?

Brean is home to a large tropical bird sanctuary. For several years, ufologists have speculated about the popular Bird Invasion theory, in which an alien civilization embeds nanotechnology into the bird populations of our planet.  The installed nanotech would give the alien invaders the ability to control the birds remotely.  The theory holds the belief that the birds would be used as scouts prior to a more direct invasion, and worse yet, the aliens could use the birds as weapons against mankind, not unlike the scenario in Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds.

Bird Invasion theorists believe the recent evidence of UFO activity in Brean, UK confirms their worst fears.

Ufologist Greg Dunkenheim had the following to say: “We hope we’re wrong, but this could be a launching point for the gradual nanotech infiltration of Earth’s wildlife. Besides the fact that this could place millions of spies and weapons in the hands of alien invaders, one has to consider that humans haven’t exactly treated the planet’s wildlife with a ton of respect. There is a very good reason to fear animal nanotech enhancements.”

We will be keeping an eye on this developing story, and any news of strange bird behavior.

That’s a question plaguing those who fear developing technology that will produce microscopic bio-robot slaves.  The plan is to design a kind of bacteria-cyborg which can be built smaller and more efficiently then some of the more advanced nanotechnologies out there (read about it here).  But many scientific watchdog groups are extremely concerned about the possibility of these bacteria-cyborg slaves rebelling against their creators and wreaking havoc on mankind.

Bobby Binder, a member of scientific watchdog group SARS-FR, said the following:

“We’re talking about equipping microscopic bacteria with the weapons of the future.  Are we mad?  Bacteria are invisible to the naked eye.  They can penetrate the pores of our skin.  They outnumber mankind billions to one.  Bacteria is one of the most deadly killers on the planet.  And let’s not forget that they are also one of the most adaptable of all organisms.  How do you think we’d fight them, if, let’s say, they decide to rebel agains their human masters?  Think about it.  Watch the Fantastic Voyage, and you’ll see what bacteria would do to humans if given the chance.”

Proponents of microscopic bio-robot slaves (bacteria-cyborgs) say they could aid in a wide range of fields, including medical technology.

Where do you stand?  Microscopic Bio-Robot Slaves: helpers to mankind OR potential destroyers?

A spokes-animal for A.F.A.E. said the three animals decided to protest because of recent comments from HSAAI criticizing the acceptance of animal art in an international exhibit.  Read A.F.A.E.’s official response to said comments here.

When asked about his thoughts on HSAAI, the dog simply responded “Grrrrrrr.”  The cat said, “Hisssss”.  Need they say more?

Stay tuned to The Loki Times as the feud between A.F.A.E. and HSAAI heats up.

“To suggest animals cannot be artistic is emblematic of HSAAI’s continued ignorance on the subject of animal rights. We’ve got news for Jerry Bombadil and all his cronies: animals are greater artists than us, the human animal. It’s an indisputable fact. Look, for instance, at the intricate webs of spiders. Or listen to the beautiful music of birds. Just because Jerry Bombadil doesn’t possess a single talent or skill doesn’t mean he can piss on those of others. Animals are artists too, and Animals For Animal Equality are proud to support their endeavors. That’s why we are investing in an artistic community for animals. Humans, dogs, elephants, birds, horses, you’re all invited. We will release more information on the project soon.”

HSAAI has not issued a rebuttal, but knowing the organization, we should expect one soon.

Join the A.F.A.E. cause with one of their shirts:

Animals For Animal Equality Tee #1 by LokiMan

Jerry Bombadil, spokesman for HSAAI (Homo Sapiens Against Animal Intelligence), is angered by the recent acceptance of Cholla’s art into an international exhibit dominated by human art.  Bombadil in a recent statement:  “This is a very slippery slope.  The more we encourage animals to act and behave like us, and worse yet, the more we accept this behavior, the more we blur the line between us and them.  What’s next?  A Chihuahua Mozart?  We don’t want to empower animals anymore than we already have.  At some point, they’re gonna get wise and try and take a bigger slice of the pie, and they’ll take it by force, mark my words.”

Bombadil’s ominous words and extreme stance on the issue come as no surprise, considering his organization’s history.

Join the HSAAI cause with one of their shirts:

HSAAI T-Shirt #2 by LokiMan

Read more about Cholla acceptance into an art exhibition.

Visit Cholla’s webpage.