The Cow Fart Conspiracy
Filed under: Animal Intelligence, Biology, Discoveries, Homo Sapiens Against Animal Intelligence, Science
“Cows. They look so innocent, with their big eyes, and their soft moos, and their swishy tails. Don’t let them fool you.” Jerry Bombadil, founder and president of the extremist group Homo Sapiens Against Animal Intelligence, said at a press conference Monday.
“They want you to think they are helping us,” Bombadil stated emphatically. “They want you to think they are doing their domestic duty by preventing osteoporosis, and helping small children grow strong bones. But they’re not! They can’t lie to us anymore! We have found out their true purpose.”
Bombadil spoke at a press conference he quickly organized after the British Society for General Microbiology released findings that one of the leading causes of global warming was the methane gas produced in cow flatulence.
According to the EPA, an estimated 28 percent of all methane emissions related to human activity come from methane-producing bacteria in the rumens of domestic cattle, sheep and goats and other livestock known as ruminants, which eat plants that are mostly indigestible by other creatures.
“All this time, [the cows] have been planning, banding together, and farting for who knows how long,” says Bombadil. “We don’t know how long this is been going on. But, my friends, there may be hope on the horizon.”
According to a new study, fish oil could be the cow fart kryptonite. Feeding cattle a diet of 2 percent fish oil reduced the toots, due to the omega 3 fatty acids in the oil. The technique cut methane output of three cows by 21 percent, said Lorraine Lillis of the University College Dublin.
“The fish oil affects the methane-producing bacteria in the rumen part of the cow’s gut, leading to reduced emissions,” Lillis said. “Understanding which microbial species are particularly influenced by changes in diet and relating them to methane production could bring about a more targeted approach to reducing methane emissions in animals.”
Asked about the overall potential benefits fish-oil, Lillis told LiveScience she didn’t know yet what effect it might have on a larger group of cattle.
Bombadil says his organization HSAAI is in the process of planning a cookie drive to defray the costs of supplying fish oil to the cattle.
“The girlscouts have done it for years,” says Bombadil. “ We applaud them. But now a graver task is at hand.”
Synthetic, Bio-Engineered Humans Just Around The Corner
Filed under: Androids, Anti-Android Research & Development Team, Artificial Intelligence, Biology, Conspiracies, Intelligence, Robot Psychology, Robots, Science, Science Fiction, Technology, The Future
Two recent reports, which you can read here and here, detail advances scientists are making towards regenerating human tissue and building artificial human ‘parts’ that are just as good if not better than the ones nature gave us. The breakthroughs present several extraordinary benefits to mankind, especially amputees and people with degenerative diseases. They also present several frightening scenarios. For instance, imagine a world where you cannot tell the difference between a human who was born naturally, and one who was built.
Speculative fiction authours, like the great Philip K. Dick, have envisioned such scenarios, and for the most part the outcomes are not good (see Blade Runner, based on the novel Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?).
Granted, there are those among us who believe that synthetic humans already walk among us, serving the nefarious purposes of their creators. Some have speculated that the Illuminati employ several androids who have risen to places of high power. These “human” puppets insulate them from the vast criminal conspiracies they are carrying out. One theorist believes that Bernard Madoff, now infamous for his multi-billion dollar investment fraud that’s ruined thousands of lives, is a synthetic human.
“The problem with these synthetic humans is that the technology is getting to a place where it is next to impossible to differentiate them from a real human,” says Boyd Theodred, a member of A.A.R.D.T., the Anti-Android Research & Development Team. “We aren’t being given the tools we need to weed out these imposters. And trust us, their intentions are not good. We have intel that new android research will give these phonies superhuman abilities. We need to stop this before it starts.”
Many are skeptical of A.A.R.D.T.’s claims. The group is widely regarded as a bunch of loonies. Nonetheless, the research we linked to above is real.
What do you think? Synthetic humans – dangerous or full of potential?
Check out the human machine t-shirts at the Loki Store.
NASA UFO Cover Up Lawsuit Imminent
Filed under: Alien Intelligence, Alien Invasion, Aliens, Astro Biology, Astronomy, Conspiracies, Discoveries, Exoplanets, Government, Outer Space, Science, Science Fiction, Scientific, UFO's, UFOR.a.YOU, Unidentified Boating Objects, Unidentified Submerged Objects
Remember these images of the Glasser UFO Event of 1930?
They could be lost forever if NASA has its way. According to a report from OhMyGov.com, the International UFO Congress is planning on suing NASA for allegedly destroying photographic evidence of unidentified flying objects and evidence they have of life on other planets. According to the UFO Activists who’d back the suit, part of NASA’s mission is to “look for signs of life in other planetary systems”, and since NASA is funded by tax payers, any effort to destroy evidence of alien life would amount to fraud and waste of tax payer money.
The secretive organization, UFOR.a.YOU (UFO’s Right Above You) responded to our inquiries with the usual cryptic response: “UFOR.a.YOU is not answering any questions regarding the alleged NASA cover up at this time.” – Sincerely, UFOR.a.YOU Public Information Officer #98465″
NASA denies any cover up, even in the face of recent whistle blowing by former astronaut and American hero Dr. Edgar Mitchell. Listen to Dr. Mitchell’s claims:
Even Aliens Have to Pee
Filed under: Alien Intelligence, Alien Invasion, Aliens, Astro Biology, Conspiracies, Crypto-Anthropology, Government, Men In Black, Outer Space, Science, Science Fiction, UFO's
We have unconfirmed reports that a strange substance found in a soap dispenser at a rest stop off of interstate 10 in Alabama could be residue from an alien creature that secretes slime.
Let’s face it. We’ve slowly been invaded by aliens for the past 1000 odd years or so, and they’re using our interstates for transportation. And, the bottom line is, even they have to go to the bathroom every once in awhile, so it makes sense there is a high chance that a rest stop that sees over 800 vehicles a day could also have an alien stop by.
The Alabama Department of Transportation isn’t taking any chances, and has closed down the rest stop until further testing is complete on the substance. According to the gov’t, people present at the time of the discovery have seen doctors and are ok.
Some CB transmissions we intercepted from truckers passing by (often our best sources of information) described a eerie scene. The reports described men in black with teams dressed in haz-mat suits scouring the immediate area. We’re waiting for more information.
Read about the story here.
Intelligent Monkey GPS
Filed under: Animal Intelligence, Biology, Homo Sapiens Against Animal Intelligence, Science, Science Fiction, The Future
A recent study by researchers based at the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig reveals that monkey’s have an unbelievable internal GPS system that allows them to navigate flawlessly across maze-like jungle paths. Read about the study here, at New Scientist.
As many of you know, we’ve been covering intelligent monkey news at The Loki Times ever since we launched our website. In fact, we kicked off our website with this post about Cyborg Monkeys. The subject fascinates our researchers and writers, but terrifies Jerry Bombadil, founder of the extremist group Homo Sapiens Against Animal Intelligence.
Bombadil fears a Planet of the Apes scenario more than anything. This new data about internal monkey GPS systems has shaked him to the core. The following is Bombadil’s response to inquiries from our news team: “Monkey GPS?!?! That’s just great, freakin’ wonderful. Son of a bitch!” *click*
Jerry later called back to apologize, saying “We were worried about the government being able to track our every move, but now we should worry about these monkeys. They can find you…anywhere.”
Let us know what you think. Monkey GPS: Impressive, or Terrifying?